Shanika is..."Just Being"

It has been a while since I wrote, but I have to say that 2009 has started off with quite a bang. The way I look at it though, get all the drama out the way now so the rest of the year can go as smooth as it can. Wishful thinking huh?! It is possible though. :)

To get caught up and to clear all the clutter out of my head, let me start with January. I knew it was coming and it finally did-I lost my enrollment position that I had for a year-and-a-half, but surprisingly I have been the most relieved and calm Shanika I have ever been. I had been preparing myself for this a good couple of months beforehand, which I think helped with this transition, but I have also been getting closer to my spiritual side; reading my bible more, going to bible study, etc. If it was not this dependence on my faith and that God always makes a way, then I probably would be a mess. I served my purpose in this position, so now it's time to keep moving forward.

Although I have at least one day out of the week where I wake up feeling like I need to be doing more and I'm just wasting time "just being", I have learned that I had so much going on with work, school, and everything else I had going on. I think in a way that God did not stop this from happening because that was his way of saying, "Shanika, it is time to sit down somewhere and just relax!" On those days that I just do not feel like job searching and applying for jobs, not posting in my online classroom or reading chapters for the week, that is when He's telling me to "just be." Also, maybe this is the time for me to quit playing and do what I am supposed to be doing-writing and taking better care of me.

All of my close friends know that I want to become a fulltime writer; I also have goals of doing some teaching at the college level, and after having my bible studies I have come to realize too that speaking on a motivational level and reaching out to others is a part of my purpose as well. I have definitely been getting back into my writing these last few months, and once I complete a project I feel like this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing. Also, I lost touch with myself. After losing my job I had a pitiful moment; felt like my upcoming ski trip that had been planned for over a month was something I should not partake of because of my situation. If it was not for my sorority sisters staging a so-called intervention and flooding me with phone calls, voicemails, and IMs on Facebook, I would have stayed home and probably let the devil get in my head. I ended up going and had the best time hanging out and getting away-just like being back in undergrad, although I think I partied more than I did in undergrad (all in that one weekend!). Why had I not had a weekend like that recently where I just had fun, without any worries? What has been my hold up exactly in these different areas of my life?

Has it been life, and the fact that while living it and trying to make it we just get so wrapped up into the routine and forget about the things that we dream about accomplishing? Or maybe we're just scared; one thing about myself is that I have, up until just recently, always been afraid of rejection. I hated being told no, turned away, not being liked or accepted, anything where I was being rejected. Now I see how ridiculous that is because no one ever gets their way all the time. Life brings you curveballs and you just have to learn how to swerve around them so you won't keep getting hit and knocked down. I have been here before, so I know that I can rebound from this and that it will most likely be something better behind the next door, so why hold yourself back when you know there's someting better in store for you?

For me, I ask why don't I just knock out these writing projects and become that writer I want to be? Why hold on to these relationships that are not going anywhere and just settle? Why keep holding on to the jobs I'm sick of and actively start looking for something better? Why not tackle those new recipes I have been collecting for months and see if I can be the next Betty Crocker? Why not go to the gym and become a better, healthier me, instead of worrying about all the others around me who "appear" to be in better shape thinking if they're looking at me? I'm telling you, throwing on my iPod and playing Beyonce as I strut it around that track and on that stair stepper as I imagine myself in that "Single Ladies" video takes me in a zone all on my own where I do not even notice the people around me-who, by the way, are not paying you any mind anyway!

So whatever fears or obstacles that are holding you back, snap out of it. If it's not that easy, which I admit it is not, then pray on it and ask for the strength, faith and direction. That has been the most important tool in my life as I take time to just take a step back, and just be.